Home | Ask Sparky | Horoscopes | Weather | Gallery | Links Last updated: 2000/12/31 Posted December 31 2000 Dear Sparky I have an ongoing acne problem which is ruining my life. Since age 14, my face has been covered with these disgusting blemishes. Even when my skin does clear up for a couple weeks, my face is covered in large red patches of scar tissue. Consequently, it looks like I will still be a virgin when I turn forty next week. Isn't there some way I can make girls see the person I am inside? I am a sensitive, caring person. Can you help me? Man from Mars Dear Very Ugly Person You've made it to forty without any luck, what possible reason could there be for you to keep hoping? Stop throwing your life away by trying to be nice to people, and get down to the real business at hand. Life has dealt you a cruel blow, and I'm sure you have a lot of really foul ideas about how you could make the world around you an extremely miserable place. Stop wasting this gift. Remember, it takes all kinds to make the world go round. For example, why not get a job as a cook, and make something that tastes terrible - then , when the customer complains, rip open all of your pimples and come out to meet them. Or spend a lot of time in public swimming pools. There are ways for you to live a happier life, and accepting yourself for who you are is the key. Posted December 12 2000 Dear Sparky My husband left me after 2 years of marriage. Luckily we don't have any children. All I can think about is making him miserable. Any ideas? Scorned Woman Dear Scorned Woman Being married to you seemed to do the job. Try to drag out the divorce procedure as long as possible, and make sure to take all his money. If you're a little shy on the money for a good divorce lawyer (a.k.a. someone who will help you drag it out as long as possible) try prostituting yourself to raise the venture capital. Posted November 21 2000 Dear Sparky I have an alcohol problem and I need help. For the last three years I've been drinking constantly. My life is in shambles. I've really screwed up. Do you think I can still turn things around? Ashamed Dear Ashamed Well, that depends on how you look at things. On the one hand, you could stop drinking, but on the other hand, you'd still be a loser. Posted November 16 2000 Dear Sparky About three weeks ago I had a one-night-stand with some girl I met at the bar, and yesterday I found out that she gave me the "heebie-geebies". I'm so embarrassed. People can smell it, and then they look at me funny. The doctor told me I was crazy, and none of the medication he prescribed makes the smell go away. Can you help? Mr. Stanky Dear Mr. Stanky Fill your tub with hot water. Get in. Add nine pounds of lye and agitate the water vigorously with your face. If that doesen't fix you, nothing will. Home | Ask Sparky | Horoscopes | Weather | Gallery | Links
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